It is easy to think: “he wants to make it difficult for me today”, “he wants me to get angry”, “why does he get like this every time? I don't understand…". In short, it is very easy to take it personally. But you know what? Which is never personal. If we understand them, everything is much easier.
One Sunday the streets of Barcelona were packed with people. In Sant Jordi there is so much atmosphere that it is worth going for a walk. My son had a great time. He would stop to see the tables with stories, race with mom, ask us about what was new, etc. He is going to be 3 years old and doing things alone is "the most" right now.
They were moments of relaxation and enjoyment with the family. And it was like that almost all the time, except when we came to a traffic light. So, the conflict was served:
-Son, give me your hand to cross.
-No, I want to go alone.
-Yes, you can go alone when we get to the other sidewalk. To cross, please give me your hand.
-No! I want to go alone, I'm older.
-Crossing the street alone is still dangerous and Mom doesn't want you to get hurt. Give me your hand and then you can go back to racing.
He doesn't want to, he cries, kicks and gets angry. Do these situations ring a bell? I guess so...
There are limits that children should not cross
Do you know how many times I have told my son that he has to shake my hand to cross the street? Exactly, millions!!! It seems incredible that you have to repeat it again and that you get angry when you already know what you have to do, right?
Why am I telling you all this? To talk about limits. To know how to put them with respect. With respect to what? Or with respect to whom?- you may wonder. With respect to the needs of your child and your own.
And you know what? That children also have needs, and not because they are small their needs are smaller than ours. All needs are important and are worth listening to. But how many times do we take them into account? How many times do we tell them what we want them to do with the focus placed solely on us and our need?
In most cases the limits or rules can be co-created with the children. Co-creating means that they can express what is important to them and what they need (so that it is taken into account). For example: as a father I need him to be in bed at 9:00 p.m. I can always ask him: "What do you need to fulfill it?" That's the best way for them to collaborate at home!
And there are also other times, like this one that I have told you about, in which “you have to shake my hand to cross the street (period)” in which you cannot co-create, but I can hear the my son's need to be autonomous. And I can respect her, even if he decides that he has to shake my hand to cross. I respect her because I see her and hear her, and it's me as a mother who decides what to do with it. And once again I repeat what we say so many times in our courses: the important thing is not what you do but how you do it.
I can decide to cross the street hand in hand “fed up with my son repeating the same scene traffic light after traffic light and getting angry every time he does it”. Or I can cross the street hand in hand understanding that he needs to feel autonomous. The “from where” is key. Although the result is the same, where I do it from changes everything. Because that is what is going to have an impact on the relationship with my son.
The parent-child relationship is hierarchical and it is the parents who must set the limits, but the limits are bi-directional. In other words, not only do you have to see the limits as “how far” my son can go, but also “how far can I go as a parent”. The limits are reciprocal, where is my limit as a parent? At what point am I stepping on a need of my son? To what extent am I invading their needs by imposing mine?
Things as subtle as feeding him when he can do it is invading his space and autonomy. Not following his rhythms and his times (so different from ours) is also invading his space. If we decide to do it, fine, but let's be aware of it.
Boundaries should be few, clear and respectful. Because it is about teaching children to RESPECT (this will help them in life), NOT TO OBEY (this will only lead them to be submissive). Therefore, they need to understand them. And many times we will have to repeat it, because education is repetition. What gives us strength and moral authority as parents is not authoritarianism, but perseverance.
So the next time your child ignores you, instead of taking it personally, ask yourself, what need is there that I'm not seeing? what do I decide to do with it?